Let's take it from the top.

I always tell myself, "I'm going to be a more productive blogger," but I never am.  When I started this blog, I was married.  My life consisted of "Dust & Crumbs" and my blog was more geared towards my life as a wife and mom.  Now I really feel the need to blog about what it's like to be a divorced mom of 3, struggling to stay afloat, raising my 2 youngest alone and trying to create a life for me.  

I have so many stories to share, but if I do, I'm sure some of you many get your feelings hurt or will judge me.  Successful bloggers don't give a f*ck, that's why their blogs are interesting and read by many.  I'm going to start with small talk and a little back ground info on my life.

First off, as many of you may know, I was with my husband for 22 years, married for 18.  When my marriage was falling apart and I had to make a decision, I chose to kick my husband out and file for divorce.  Was it a good choice?  Maybe, but it was the choice I made.  I kept secrets about how my marriage really was so my family and friends would think I had a good life, when in reality, I did not.  

I married my husband because at the time, he was a good provider and loved my daughter.  Here was a man who loved another man's child like his own.  I felt very lucky.  I was not in love with him, nor he with me.  He was divorced, I was a single mom and we needed each other at the time.  It worked for many years and we often joked that if it wasn't for my daughter, we wouldn't have been together.  That's the truth.  22 years is a long time.  I was dedicated and committed.  I put up with a lot of shit too.  I did everything to make my husband happy, but liars & cheaters are never happy.  That's why they lie and cheat.  I should have listened to his ex wife and saw the red flags.  Too late now.  

My daughter is grown and I won't lie, my ex was a great father to her.  He adopted her after we got married and there is no doubt he loves her more than she will ever know.  11 years later, we had our first son.  Again, my ex was a stellar dad.  4 years later, another son.  This time though, he took a job that required him to work away from home all week, leaving me with a newborn and that was our first time of distress.  He decided to fall in love with a friend of mine.  I knew something wasn't right, but he kept denying he was cheating (an emotional attachment is still cheating).  I told him I wanted a divorce because I was taking care of 3 kids by myself anyway.  He completely shut me out because he was in love with someone else. I didn't need the tension and stress when he was home on the weekend.   That made him do a 180.  We did a online marriage counseling course and that changed our lives.  He still denied cheating, but a few months later, when our marriage was healthy, I did find out the truth.  Because of the counseling, we got past it quickly.  

Fast forward to July 2011.  Ex loses his job & has an Oxycontin addiction that he is trying to keep under wraps.  I take a job doing private duty for an elderly woman at a local nursing home.  While I am at work, he has too much time on his hands.  He becomes friends with a woman younger than him on Facebook and all the red flags go up.  A month later my suspicions are true.  I won't go into all the details, but she got what she went after.  They are now married and the rumors are, not happily.

So, here I am, raising my 2 youngest alone.  Sure my ex sees the kids once a week for a few hours, every few weeks he has them on the weekend.  They could care less.  He's not here when they need him, for the day to day stuff.  His actions through the years left my 2 boys without a father figure in their life.  Some days I think maybe I should have tried to make it work, for the boys.  Then I realize I don't want my boys to grow up and treat their life partner like that.  The watched their dad belittle me all the time.  If I punished, he unpunished.  They were his boys!  He was making them brats.  They have changed so much in the past 2 years.  They clang for dear life to the 2 men I date because they want a family so bad.  One is gone for good and they know that, but the second they still ask about and sometimes that upsets me, but we remained good friends and I'm sure if I needed help from him involving my boys, he would.  It's nice to have a support system.

I realized yesterday that maybe the things I want so badly aren't the things I need, or at least don't need right now.  A friend stopped over yesterday after school to pick up some stuff I was getting rid of and both of them got so excited.  "Are you 2 dating now?" one of them asks excitedly.  "NO, we are just friends" was my reply.  The last thing I want to do is bring another man, who isn't serious about a relationship, into their lives unless the time is right.  Break ups hurt them too.  I desperately want that family life again, I won't lie.  I realized I do already have that though, just not a traditional family.  My daughter has really stepped up.  She is my support system.  I know the kids are craving a man in their life, but maybe not having one will make them better men.  Does that make sense?  They are very concerned about my happiness.  I hope they are always like that with their family, friends and life partners.  

The next blog I want to talk about dating at 43 with 3 kids.  Fun!!

~Chel